I have struggled for months wondering if I should post this topic here or not. I figured with rape being in the news all the time that more people would know about rape culture and what to do and what not to do when someone you know survives this horrible event. However with today's recent news about Texas Rep. Laubenberg's comments about rape-kits being used for abortions and about Deric Lostutter's upcoming trial for exposing the convicted rapists in the Steubenville case, I am reminded just how unsupportive and insensitive the world can be as well as how willing people are to sit back and let it happen because they are too afraid to stop it.
Texas Rep. Laubenberg slipped in a proposed bill concerning abortion in the state of Texas. Concerning her views on abortion she is quoted as stating "In the emergency room they have what's called rape kits where a woman can get cleaned out." This statement is believed to be equating a rape kit with an abortion. Realize that these are not the same thing. When a woman reports a rape, a rape kit is performed, especially if it was recent. A rape kit involves collecting the physical evidence of the crime, not the removal of a fetus/baby. Even if a woman chooses to accept the Plan B pills that hospitals offer, it is her choice. Do not make comments such as "Why didn't you give it up for adoption." A woman who has survived rape may not want to bring the child to terms for several reasons the most common being emotional difficulty. If you are a survivor who has given birth to the child of the rapist kept the baby or put him/her up for adoption, great, however not every woman is you and not all of us are strong enough to do the same.
The healing process is a never ending one for a survivor. Do not push a survivor into seeking therapy before she is ready, you may gently suggest it but do not demand that she/he must go. Forcing a survivor into healing before they are ready makes you just another person controlling their lives; that's what the rapist did- took control. Support your loved one by being there when she/he needs to rant, when they cry, or even when they shut themselves away. Never say the following to a survivor:
1) "Can't you just get over it already?"
Being raped isn't like losing a sports game and holding a grudge, it changes lives for ever.
A survivor has to learn to live with what happened but that doesn't mean that they should
forgive and forget.
2) "How long are you going to keep shutting me out."
A survivor is most likely trying to accept what happened and needs time to do so. By saying
this or anything along these lines, you are forcing your loved one to move through the healing
process at a rate she/he may not be able to achieve yet. The survivor is learning to trust again,
that includes trusting their friends and family. (Most cases of rape are committed by a family
member or friend, so trust will be hard to build back up.)
3) "Why did you let it happen?"
Never, NEVER blame the survivor. Survivor blaming is rampant today in Rape Culture. No one
has the right to anyone else's body based on gender, sex appeal, drunkenness, etc. The survivor
contrary to popular belief did not choose to be raped. No one dresses up with the intent of
being raped, no one drinks so they will be raped, and gender above all is never a reason to rape.
4) "Shouldn't you still be an emotional wreck?"
The opposite of number 2 on this list; this has been said to fellow survivors and to myself very
recently. No we should not be emotional wrecks. There comes a point in every survivor's
healing journey (provided they have enough support) that they are able to accept what has
happened. Just because we look whole and put together on the outside doesn't mean that
we have fixed everything. Again the healing journey is never ending there are set backs. This
particular question was posed to me when I started speaking out again this year, against rape
and domestic violence; a survivor is allowed to speak out against the violence (I encourage all
survivors to do so.) Speaking out is another step towards healing.
As for Deric Lostutter, the 26 year old member of the famous hacker group Anonymous, is facing jail time for posting images and speaking out against the accused (now convicted) rapists. Lostutter's situation may be on the extreme side due to his affiliation with Anonymous and due to how he went about the whistleblowing, but in every day (non publicized) cases witnesses refuse to come forward fearing retaliation from the accused. Do not let that fear consume you. If you witness rape or domestic abuse stand by the survivor and support her/his claims the best you can with your own testimony. Often times rape cases become a "he said, she said" situation which gives the police nothing to go on and lets a potential rapist walk free. One witness to help substantiate the survivors story helps quite a bit in the long run. Don't let an abusive person/rapist walk, with your testimony they are more likely to be found guilty and punished accordingly. (That being said, do not claim to be a witness if you have not actually witnessed a crime that will only hurt the survivor's legal battle.)
All of this should be common knowledge but apparently there are enough naysayers in the media to convince a group of blind sheep to follow them. Sheep may be blind, but they are not deaf; take a stand against the violence. These are the most basic ways to be supportive. By speaking out and/or simply being there for a survivor you will be offering something a survivor always needs, a friend.
Texas Rep. Laubenberg slipped in a proposed bill concerning abortion in the state of Texas. Concerning her views on abortion she is quoted as stating "In the emergency room they have what's called rape kits where a woman can get cleaned out." This statement is believed to be equating a rape kit with an abortion. Realize that these are not the same thing. When a woman reports a rape, a rape kit is performed, especially if it was recent. A rape kit involves collecting the physical evidence of the crime, not the removal of a fetus/baby. Even if a woman chooses to accept the Plan B pills that hospitals offer, it is her choice. Do not make comments such as "Why didn't you give it up for adoption." A woman who has survived rape may not want to bring the child to terms for several reasons the most common being emotional difficulty. If you are a survivor who has given birth to the child of the rapist kept the baby or put him/her up for adoption, great, however not every woman is you and not all of us are strong enough to do the same.
The healing process is a never ending one for a survivor. Do not push a survivor into seeking therapy before she is ready, you may gently suggest it but do not demand that she/he must go. Forcing a survivor into healing before they are ready makes you just another person controlling their lives; that's what the rapist did- took control. Support your loved one by being there when she/he needs to rant, when they cry, or even when they shut themselves away. Never say the following to a survivor:
1) "Can't you just get over it already?"
Being raped isn't like losing a sports game and holding a grudge, it changes lives for ever.
A survivor has to learn to live with what happened but that doesn't mean that they should
forgive and forget.
2) "How long are you going to keep shutting me out."
A survivor is most likely trying to accept what happened and needs time to do so. By saying
this or anything along these lines, you are forcing your loved one to move through the healing
process at a rate she/he may not be able to achieve yet. The survivor is learning to trust again,
that includes trusting their friends and family. (Most cases of rape are committed by a family
member or friend, so trust will be hard to build back up.)
3) "Why did you let it happen?"
Never, NEVER blame the survivor. Survivor blaming is rampant today in Rape Culture. No one
has the right to anyone else's body based on gender, sex appeal, drunkenness, etc. The survivor
contrary to popular belief did not choose to be raped. No one dresses up with the intent of
being raped, no one drinks so they will be raped, and gender above all is never a reason to rape.
4) "Shouldn't you still be an emotional wreck?"
The opposite of number 2 on this list; this has been said to fellow survivors and to myself very
recently. No we should not be emotional wrecks. There comes a point in every survivor's
healing journey (provided they have enough support) that they are able to accept what has
happened. Just because we look whole and put together on the outside doesn't mean that
we have fixed everything. Again the healing journey is never ending there are set backs. This
particular question was posed to me when I started speaking out again this year, against rape
and domestic violence; a survivor is allowed to speak out against the violence (I encourage all
survivors to do so.) Speaking out is another step towards healing.
As for Deric Lostutter, the 26 year old member of the famous hacker group Anonymous, is facing jail time for posting images and speaking out against the accused (now convicted) rapists. Lostutter's situation may be on the extreme side due to his affiliation with Anonymous and due to how he went about the whistleblowing, but in every day (non publicized) cases witnesses refuse to come forward fearing retaliation from the accused. Do not let that fear consume you. If you witness rape or domestic abuse stand by the survivor and support her/his claims the best you can with your own testimony. Often times rape cases become a "he said, she said" situation which gives the police nothing to go on and lets a potential rapist walk free. One witness to help substantiate the survivors story helps quite a bit in the long run. Don't let an abusive person/rapist walk, with your testimony they are more likely to be found guilty and punished accordingly. (That being said, do not claim to be a witness if you have not actually witnessed a crime that will only hurt the survivor's legal battle.)
All of this should be common knowledge but apparently there are enough naysayers in the media to convince a group of blind sheep to follow them. Sheep may be blind, but they are not deaf; take a stand against the violence. These are the most basic ways to be supportive. By speaking out and/or simply being there for a survivor you will be offering something a survivor always needs, a friend.